Thursday, June 18, 2009

Dr.'s Orders


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life, is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO, cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

In short, eat and drink what you like. Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "Woo hoo, what a ride!"

3 comments:

The Momma said...

I'm going to YOUR Dr from now on!!!

ElegantSnobbery said...

Midori sours come from melons... FRUIT!

Bottoms up! :)

AlyGatr said...

My dad was practically a vegetarian (he ate meat, but very little), he was a runner...former marathoner...rarely drank, never smoked...and died a month after his 65th birthday. Enjoy yourself a little for God's sake!!

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